I've thought a lot about whether or not to write this post. What do I want to gain from this? Attention? Sympathy? Sales?
None of the above. It comes down to this, I have a book out I've worked hard on and I would only be hurting myself by ignoring that fact.
For weeks now I've been struggling with my depression. It's nothing new to me but it is something that still manages to sneak up on me and catch me unawares. I've seen a lot from other authors these past weeks about bullying and their struggle to deal with it. In my case I'm my own worst enemy. It's my own insecurities and paranoia which have been pulling me further and further into that darkness which often threatens to overwhelm me.
Trust me when I say this isn't an attention seeking exercise. I'm not going to announce my intention to slip off this mortal coil and wait for people to talk me around. On the occasions in the past where I did attempt to put myself out of my misery, I did so without discussing it with anyone. Besides, I have a husband and family I would never abandon. This lapse is simply lasting longer than usual, harder to drag myself out of. And I'm depressing myself just by writing this paragraph, so...apologies.
Writing is probably the worst profession to be in when you're prone to such dark thoughts. It's lonely, and you leave yourself open to rejection from publishers, readers and reviewers. And yet, it's the one thing that's kept me going this time. No matter how many doubt crows circle my head with cries of 'This is shit', I've finished the manuscript I've been working on. There's a lot of work to do but at least I have a manuscript to work with whenever I pull myself together. That's what I'm supposed to do, right? Stop whinging and just get on with it. If only it was that simple.
If any of you are still reading, you might wonder what has driven me to such despair? The one thing which always darkens my mood - my father. He doesn't even have to be near me to cause the misery. I've been slipping since I heard he was in intensive care. We're estranged, by events which he caused and has shown no remorse for, and I felt no compulsion to visit him in hospital. Yet, I'm plagued by guilt. I should feel something, surely?
Add to that the fifth Mother's Day without my mum, a reminder of my grief, and very soon things begin to pile up. I'm in that really irritating stage of not talking to anyone, pushing everyone away, and lapsing into the 'no-one cares' lament. It's a wonder my husband puts up with me really. He's just riding the storm out with me and waiting until it passes.
Deep down I know I'm lucky. I have a wonderful husband and two great boys, and I have the privilege of being able to write full time. Eventually I will get through this and I apologise to everyone I may have stiffed over blog posts and Candy Crush requests while I work through this.
I'm taking a break in the sun for a few days in the hope it will somehow help. I won't be here on release day for Titanic's Ondine on Friday, so I'm posting this early. If anyone feels inclined to do so, a share would go a long way to helping me since I'm not feeling sociable, virtually or otherwise.
jorja xx
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Blurb:
Can a water nymph
save her true love from the Titanic or are they both doomed forever?
Water nymph Madeleine has
spent a lifetime searching for the human she can marry to become mortal.
Finally, she finds true love with Joe Marlowe, but the romance is put on hold
when he signs up as crew for the Titanic.
Joe never expects to see
Maddy on board the ship but she's a welcome sight during the voyage. He knows
she's keeping a secret from him but it doesn't diminish his love for her. They
have the rest of their lives to discover each other. After an unforgettable
night together in the Titanic's indoor pool he knows he's found the woman he
wants to marry.
As the liner sails
towards its fate, can Madeleine save Joe, and find her happy ever after?
Excerpt:
“I find
the setting perfect for a romantic affair. Glamorous liners bound for faraway
places, carrying young men with fire in their bellies. Why it’s enough to get
any young lady’s pulse racing.” She ran a fingertip down his white shirt to
distract him from his questioning. That slight contact with the man she loved
was enough to start a fiery lust consuming her from the inside out.
“Madeleine—” The ragged manner in which Joe addressed her didn’t sound
like a scolding, or an attempt to stop her.
“Shh!” A
finger on his lips and a coy smile was all it took for him to discard his
gentlemanly manners and let his passion take hold.
He was
deceptively masterful in the seduction stakes. His firm lips staked their claim
with a series of breath-taking kisses that almost made her mourn the time they
had wasted thus far in their chaste courtship.
Crushed
against the rough fabric of his jacket—Madeleine’s nipples hardened beneath the
thin silk of her green dress—sensitized and begging to be noticed. Joe didn’t
disappoint. He traced his thumb over one prominent peak. The simple
over-the-clothing contact sent her body into raptures and generated an ache in
her loins that she wanted him to remedy.
Her head
told her to go carefully. He thought of her as a lady—pure and innocent—and not
one to give herself away before her wedding night. But that other, sinful part
of her wanted him regardless of the consequences. And that craving won out. She
pressed herself closer to him until she was left with no doubt he felt the
same. The ridged evidence in his trousers nestled into the skirts of her dress
and she couldn’t stop herself from running her hand along the impressive length
of him.
She half
expected him to back away in shock or disgust. So when he took it one step
further by cupping her breast firmly in his hand, her legs all but buckled
beneath her. He scooped her breast from her dress, exposing it to the cool
April air. Her pussy swelled with need. With each massage he gave her flesh,
she came one step closer to nirvana, moaning as the moisture from her arousal
soaked her skin and clothes.
Joe
backed her away from the main walkway and pinned her against the wall of a
ramshackle wooden building, creating a scenario Madeleine wouldn’t have
believed possible. Of course, she
imagined her reserved Joe to be a considerate lover, but she hadn’t expected
their explosive chemistry to lead them to the point of making love outdoors.
Joe
lifted her skirts, skimming his hand along the tops of her stockings, and then
grabbed her ass to pull her onto his still imprisoned cock. Driven by mounting
impatience, Madeleine reached to undo the buttons of his trousers and take the
next step in their relationship.
It turned
out to be a step too far. Moments later, the strong arms around her pushed
where they once pulled her to him. Joe wrenched his mouth away.
“I’m
sorry. Please forgive me,” he pleaded, voice unsteady.
“You have
nothing to apologize for,” she told him.
Except,
perhaps, being too chivalrous. One brief encounter with the saviour of her
long-lost virtue wasn’t nearly enough, but she dared not raise his suspicions
with further unladylike behaviour.
“You
deserve more than a rushed fumble by the docks, Maddy. When the time comes, I
want it to be something special, a memory to be cherished forever. Though I
don’t know how I’ll get through these next weeks without even kissing you
again.”
Joe
rested his forehead against hers. His was beaded with sweat from the effort of
his restraint.
Not on my account, she wanted to scream, but
the moment had passed. She adjusted her clothes.
He
behaved as though the last ten minutes had not happened and picked up the conversation
regarding his departure. But all she wanted to do was move farther into his
embrace, make this night last forever.
“Will you
wave me off when I leave?”
As much
as he deserved a teary farewell, she shook her head. “It’s not my place.”
She
wouldn’t encroach on the intimate family moment which accompanied his every
journey. That was their time. This was hers.
“Let’s
say our goodbyes now.” Madeleine stood on tiptoe to offer up her lips.
This
time, Joe’s kiss was a slow exploration mapping out the contours of her lips,
as though he were memorizing her taste. That sensuous perusal finally eroded
the jaded view she harboured for the male species. Joe didn’t demand, simply
took what she willingly gave, and he returned it with love. He respected her,
cherished her, and, for the first time in decades, Madeleine let herself trust.
* * * *
General Release 18th
April
